Meditation gone wrong...by guest writer Emily
Can Meditation Cause A Panic Attack?
For me, at first, it did. I’m so grateful I had a friend who encouraged me to stick with it. Evidently, I’m not the only one who has experienced this seemingly adverse relationship with stillness. This morning, as I walked in Central Park at sunrise listening to Pema Chodron’s book, “The Places That Scare You”, the following passage spoke directly to my experience:
“Why do we meditate? … Why even bother to spend time alone with ourselves?” It’s important to understand that meditation is not just about feeling good. To think that this is why we meditate is to set ourselves up for failure. We’ll assume we are doing it wrong almost every time we sit down. Even the most settled meditator experiences psychological and physical pain. Meditation takes us just as we are: with our confusion and our sanity. This complete acceptance of ourselves as we are is called Maitri – a simple, direct relationship with the way we are…..Its only when we begin to relax with ourselves that meditation becomes a transformative process. Only when we relate with ourselves without moralizing, without harshness, without deception, can we let go of harmful patterns.”
I’ve lived with anxiety and depression for my entire life. Most people would probably never know this, because I [almost] never show it. I am an extrovert and I love being around people and laughing so people say things like “Wow Emily, you’re always happy”, and “You are sunshine.” But, the truth is - that’s not the whole truth. I’ve recently become aware that one of my primary coping mechanisms for anxiety has been socialization. Being around people and staying constantly busy became a way for me to avoid the terror inside.
It wasn’t until three summers ago that I began a meditation practice again in earnest and with a renewed daily vigor. It was a good thing, too. On the surface, my life seemed perfect. I was a project manager devoted to my bosses and working 80 hour weeks. I ran 4-6 miles every day and was in impeccable physical shape. I had a beautiful apartment, a very successful boyfriend, basically everything I had always thought I wanted in life.
There was just one thing I hadn’t asked for….declining mental health.
Looking back, I realize I tolerated a dull, nagging feeling in my body I couldn’t put into words. It felt like an emptiness inside, like something was missing. One day at work as I was sitting in front of my computer preparing a presentation for a client, I felt a pain in my chest. My Solar Plexus became tighter and heavier as I tried to breathe through it. I wanted to call an ambulance because I felt like I was dying. In this moment, I heard a previous therapist’s voice inside my head saying, “this is a panic attack.” This awareness kept me from hospitalization, but didn’t bring relief. I stood up and walked outside, around the block, struggling to breathe deeply through the physical pain and wearing sunglasses to cover the tears that flowed. Eventually, I went back to work and struggled through an ache that didn’t subside for several hours. Nothing had triggered it, and I was baffled. I decided to take a few days off from work and that evening, a friend from high school called to invite me on a weekend retreat.
It was during this weekend that I was blessed with a reintroduction to mindfulness meditation. My friend Laura Ball , who is a powerful meditation, yoga and healing teacher in New York suggested I join her for a meditation following my morning run. As I sat down cross legged in the grass, my eyes closed and my attention focused on my breath, I felt a tightening in my chest. My stomach churned and my breath quickened. My throat began to close in a painful way and I felt the panic coming back all at once. The rising sensation in my belly was decidedly uncomfortable, but I continued to breathe and sit, becoming aware of the sensation while staying in one place. It did not get better for the entire meditation. Afterward I told Laura about my experience and asked her what had just happened, “Isn’t meditation supposed to make me feel better, more calm? I think I just experienced another panic attack.” Her reply shocked me - she told me that it is very common for students to experience panic in meditation, especially at first or after some time off.
Over the course of that Fall, I stayed with meditation and saw a shift in my persona more profound that I could have imagined. I meditated every day, first for 5 minutes, then I increased by one minute each day until I gradually got to 20 and 30 minutes. Over time, the panic I experienced during meditation subsided, and I began to see things more clearly in my daily life. Occasionally, I even began to receive answers to practical questions during meditation. I realized that I had been suppressing a part of myself and some of my feelings by putting on a smile all the time and by being preoccupied with working, working out and socializing. I hadn’t listened to myself in a while, and my heart was dying to be heard.
I’m still on a journey of discovering a stillness, warmth, comfort and joy inside myself that was previously hidden, and that I had mistakenly thought came from my interaction with others. It was underneath my anxiety and need for perfection all along, and meditation has helped me start to bring this light into the rest of my life. This is not an easy practice every day and I still feel uncomfortable, angry and anxious at times during meditation [and life]. But, as these feelings come in meditation, they also leave in meditation, and I am happy I allowed myself to create that space. Thank you Pema, Thank you Laura.