5 Ways to Support Your Child if they are questioning their Sexuality
WHAT IS QUESTIONING YOUR SEXUALITY?
It is completely natural to question your sexuality and need time to work out who you are. It’s OK to not be sure. Some people know who they’re attracted to from a really young age. For other people it’s not so simple and can take a while to work it out. It seems to be widely thought that if someone is questioning, they are figuring out an LGBTQIA+ identity. Research shows that is not the case.
If someone is not sure about their sexuality, they might:
not be sure what it means if they ‘like’ someone
be scared about how other people will react
worry about what it means for their community or religion
want to come out and tell people
try to find a sexuality that ‘fits’ how they feel.
5 Ways to Support Your Questioning Child
So now that you know the basics about questioning, you might be wondering how can you best support your questioning child?
1. Educate yourself
There are great resources out there such as NAMI & Bradbury Sullivan Center, both of the Lehigh Valley, as well as The Trevor Project . It is perfectly ok and normal to not know everything. What is important is to listen and be open to understanding and learning.
As a guide, these three principles can get you started!
It’s not “Just a phase” - Embrace rather than dismiss. (more on this below!)
This is not an illness. There is no cure. There is nothing that needs to be fixed.
Avoid searching for blame - Celebrate your child and who they are.
2. Don’t Dismiss a Questioning Child as ‘Just Going Through a Phase’
Imagine how much courage and strength it takes for a child to finally express their inner struggles and questions to only be met with “it’s just a phase. You’ll grow out of it.” Aside from how awful this can make them feel, it can also be damaging to the trust and relationship between you and your child.
Just because your child may not end up identifying as LGBTQIA+ does not mean it was a phase. Youth are constantly questioning different aspects of their identity and it is an important process that helps each person achieve a healthy sense of self as an adult
3. Check Your Own Homophobia
Homophobia, both the kind you acknowledge and the kind you try to hide, can impact how you react or communicate with your child. This in no way means you are a bad parent! Now that you are aware of these thoughts/beliefs, it may be important to think about what aspects of questioning or the LGBTQIA+ community makes you uncomfortable.
Here are a few tips:
Always start with Educating yourself.
Sexual orientation is not a choice.
Get support: Therapist, local LGBTQIA+ organizations, The Trevor Project, Human Rights Campaign, and the Bradbury Sullivan Center in the Lehigh Valley.
4. If Your Child Is Sexually Active, Take A Deep Breathe
If you child is sexually active, don’t automatically assume they are having sex with a lot people or taking excessive risks. As with any child, it is important to create a safe environment for them to come to you with questions.Whether or not you agree with them deciding to have sex, discuss and make it possible for them to have access to contraception in order to practice safer sex. Tough conversations are much better than a child feeling as though they have to hide a part of their life from their parents.
5. Stay Present — They Need You
Let them know you love them - NO MATTER WHAT!
Encourage and maintain an environment of open dialogue.
Look out for signs of bullying (absences from school, behavior problems, or sudden shifts in who may be a friend and who is not.).
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Sexual orientation is a different process for each and every person. For some, it is clear from the start, while others do not have that luxury. It is completely normal as a parent to be nervous or uncomfortable about this process, so it is important to remember that questioning is a common and normal part of a child’s development.
No one bats an eye when someone is interested in rock music, then all of a sudden starts listening to country and by the end of the year is listening to rock music again. It is barely a conversation worth having!
Obviously, sexual orientations are a lot more complicated than our taste in music. But it serves as an example that if we give our children a little room to explore and figure out who they are as a person, the whole process can become a lot smoother. Isn’t the ultimate goal for your child is to grow up feeling confident and secure in who they are as a person?
For more information check out the following agencies and websites:
The Trevor Project
Human Rights Campaign
Bradbury Sullivan Center
Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbian and Gays (PFLAG)
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: LGBT Youth
LGBT Resources at Johns Hopkins Medicine
*Adapted from Johns Hopkins and Ellen Kate