Tips for Back to School

Create a Simple List of Rules

Focus on the most important behaviors by creating a short and straightforward list of rules. Let the small stuff slide. If our child completes their homework and chores but forgets a dirty dish, focus on accomplishments rather than the mistake. Perfection is an unrealistic expectation - remember your kids are still learning so it’s important for them to feel valued while you show them how to accomplish the chore.

Use Praise….Sort of

Praise is a very delicate tool in a parent's toolbox. Praise your child for simple good behaviors that you would like them to continue. A simple “good job” or a smile can go a long way. However, this type of reinforcement should be for our young children (4 years old and under). Their attention span is short and we want to quickly reinforce the behavior that is targeted. 

Praise, however, can be somewhat of a metaphorical double-edged sword. If we simply say “good job” after a child completes something it lacks the specificity of what you are praising. Children will have little to no idea why they are getting a ‘good job’. If, by chance, they did recognize why they are being praised; it is focused on the outcome. We want to focus on the process and the steps they completed so they know exactly what they should do next time. 

Next time you want to praise your child, don’t get caught in the ‘Good Job!’ trap. Try something like, “ Wow! You did such a great job picking up your toys and putting them in the toy box. Thank you!”, “You worked so hard on that project.”, “You were so generous and thoughtful in sharing with your brother when he got upset.”. 

Remember, you know how to do things. “Clean your room” is not something that a child knows how to do. Think about the process and make a detailed list so that your child can follow, check it off, and use the checklist time and time again. For example:

How to clean your room:

Pick up the clothes off the floor

Place dirty clothes in the hamper

Place clean clothes in drawers

Put all shoes in the closet

Remove things from the dresser tops

Wipe down the dresser

Remove anything that doesn’t belong in the room, like kitchen items or food

Vacuum the room

Have them keep the checklist for next time. Kids don’t know unless we teach them!

Create a Reward System

Rewards are more effective than punishments to motivate a child to change their behavior. Reward systems can be as simple as a token for each day of the week a specific good behavior is completed, which can then be exchanged for a reward. Talk with your child to figure out what reward they want, and how many tokens it will cost. Reward systems, similar to discipline, need to be scaled to the developmental level of your child. 

Homework Hour

Set aside time each school day for your child to complete homework. If there are no assignments for that evening, they can still spend that time studying or reading. This routine reduces the chance that your child will forever avoid their homework. Additionally, homework hour reduces the reinforcement that children usually receive for completing their homework as quickly as possible. Do not forget... Make it FUN!!

Establish Structure

Children with ADHD do their best when they know what to expect. Establish a routine for homework, meals, playing, bedtime, and preparing for school. For example, your child may learn to brush their teeth at a specific time, get a glass of water, and then lay out their clothes for the next day. You can use a reward system to begin establishing these routines.

Use Consequences effectively

Consequences should be explained in advance, they should occur immediately after the unwanted behavior, and you must always follow through with your stated consequence. Time-out and removal of privileges are effective. Be careful not to over-punish - depending on the developmental level of your child, they will not remember why they are grounded or being punished after anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 weeks. 

This is most important!

Give your child the ability to earn back the thing/item you’ve taken away. For example, if you’ve taken away their electronics, have them repeat the desired behavior 3 to 5 times and they can earn it back.

For example, if they are not going to bed on time - practice 5 times in a row the bedtime routine when you ask them or it’s the desired time. If they can do this 5 times in a row, then they can earn back the thing that was removed. This accomplishes two very important things:

1) They will respond automatically because they have repeated it so many times. They won’t have to think about it or ignore it until you’ve yelled. They will react to the request to go to bed automatically

2) It puts them in control, such as “Oh, you don’t want to earn your electronics back, that’s an interesting decision”. You will say to them 

“I love you very much. I’m so sorry you made that decision, now I have to issue the consequence” - as in “they did it” and “not you”

This is a golden opportunity that most parents miss because they are so focused on the consequence. What have you taught your child? You’ve taught him how to live without electronics and nothing else!

This methodology takes some imagination on your part but is very effective.

If they speak to you with an attitude, invoke the consequence and model to them the proper way of communicating and then make them practice it 5 times. They will develop more neural pathways for speaking to you with respect.

If you tell them to do something, give them three warnings before invoking the consequence. On the third ask, take the thing away. If you keep asking and asking and asking and then you yell you are training them that they don’t have to respond until you yell - unless you want to be a person that yells all the time, this won’t have the desired outcome. Besides, most bosses will ask and fire them before they yell.  

Being a parent is not easy. “But I don’t have time for this in my busy day” you might say. These repetitive assignments can take place when you do have the time, like on the weekends.  

Reward System

Our entire life is a system of rewards and consequences, even as adults. You don’t go to work if you don’t get paid, no matter how much you love your job. You work hard, you get a raise. You work hard in school, you get good grades. Good grades = scholarship etc… 

Here’s the kicker though, I don’t like bribing my kids with money. They have SO much already. They are spoiled by their parents and their grandparents and their GREAT grandparents. We have WAY too much stuff and because of that, I don’t want them constantly asking for more and more things. 

Here’s where the cotton balls reward system comes in. 

Each kid has a jar and each full jar has its own rewards. We like to do experiences, like a date with Mom or Dad, or a trip to the swimming pool. One time my kids turned in their cotton balls to pay for a movie they really wanted to watch on Amazon as a family. They can win the ability to pick a dinner that week or ten minutes alone with Mom or Dad.

Cotton balls can be given for any reason. My kids get them for getting their homework done in a timely manner, without complaining, cleaning their rooms without complaining, listening to mom without being told a gazillion times, and pretty much anything I feel like giving them cotton balls for.  

Cotton balls can also be taken away for any reason. I always give a warning before I do this. Like, if you don’t hand in your homework today, I’m going to have to take away 2 cotton balls. If you lose all of your cotton balls, you lose a toy or an experience.

You’d be surprised how excited the kids get when I tell them they get a “BONUS COTTONBALL!” You’d think I handed them a million dollars. It’s fun for the kids and I like that they can see their progress! And I’m not constantly handing them candy or toys all the time. 

Cotton Ball Rewards, who would have thought?!! It doesn’t take much to get my kids on the right track. The rewards are then taken away and not given every time. This can evolve into an allowance-based system where you as a parent get to teach them to manage their money. Do you have any reward systems for your kids? We’d love to hear about it!