The Practice of Self Compassion

Self-compassion is the practice of treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance in times of difficulty or suffering. It is being gentle and supportive towards oneself, even when we make mistakes or experience challenges. Self-compassion is essential in promoting mental health and well-being, and it is a skill that can be developed and nurtured over time. While this is such a necessary factor in our mental health and healing, most people struggle with it the most. Many people start therapy or work to develop a new skill and quickly feel “ I am not getting better” or “ I should have already picked up this new skill.” Instead of thinking about how brave they are for being vulnerable or how far they have progressed in a relatively short period. Why is this? Why are we programmed to put ourselves down?

There could be several different answers to that question. It can be your upbringing, cultural or societal influences, or your desire for perfectionism. However, that internal dialogue is powerful and should be used to build yourself up. If you have “always been the hardest on yourself,” it may be time to practice self-compassion.

There are three elements of self-compassion according to Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in the field of self-compassion, there are three main components of self-compassion:

1.   Self-kindness: This involves treating oneself with warmth, care, and understanding rather than being critical or harsh towards oneself.

2.   Common humanity: This involves recognizing that suffering and challenges are a normal part of the human experience and that we are not alone in our struggles.

3.   Mindfulness: This involves being aware of one's thoughts, feelings, and sensations in the present moment without judging or resisting them.

Now that we know what self-compassion is, we have to practice it. When I say this as a therapist, I often get an eye roll or a groan; however, we must practice this like any other skill. I would argue that we must spend extra time working on it as most people struggle.

Here are some strategies for cultivating self-compassion:

1.   Treat yourself like a friend: When you experience difficulty or suffering, treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend. Imagine what you would say to a friend in your situation, and provide those exact words of support and encouragement to yourself.

2.   Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness can help us to be more present and aware of our thoughts, feelings, and sensations. Practicing mindfulness allows us to observe our thoughts without judgment or criticism and cultivate greater acceptance and compassion toward ourselves.

3.   Practice self-care: Engage in activities that promote self-care and self-nurturing, such as taking a relaxing bath, going for a walk in nature, or listening to soothing music. Taking care of our physical and emotional needs can help us to feel more grounded and connected to ourselves and our body sensations. For example, what does my anxiety feel like in my body? What does my body feel when I am in a calm place?

4.   Practice self-compassion meditation: Many guided meditations and mindfulness practices can help to cultivate self-compassion. These practices often involve visualizing oneself as a small child and offering comfort and support or simply focusing on breathing and sending oneself loving-kindness.

Here are some positive mindfulness exercises:

Mindful Breathing: Focus on your breath and observe how it feels as you inhale and exhale. Notice the sensations in your body and any thoughts that arise. Focus on your breath and return to it whenever you get distracted.

Body Scan: Start at the top of your head and scan your body down to your toes, noticing any sensations or feelings in each part of your body. This exercise can help you become more aware of any tension or discomfort in your body and help you relax.

Gratitude Practice: Take a few minutes daily to focus on things you are grateful for. This can be as simple as appreciating the food you're eating, the people in your life, or the beauty of nature around you.

Loving-Kindness Meditation: This exercise involves sending positive thoughts and feelings to yourself and others. You can start by repeating phrases like "May I be happy, may I be healthy, may I be at peace" and then expand to others in your life.

Mindful Walking: Take a walk and focus on the sensations in your body as you move. Notice your feet touching the ground, the movement of your legs, and the air on your skin. This exercise can help you be more present and appreciate the simple things in life.

Remember, the goal of mindfulness is to bring more awareness and acceptance to the present moment. So experiment with different exercises and find what works best for you.

5.     Understanding that healing is a process and not always one that is linear

6.    Practice gratitude for one's abilities and attributes

7.   Reframe negative self-talk: When you notice yourself engaging in negative self-talk, try reframing those thoughts more compassionately and understandingly. For example, instead of saying, "I'm such a failure," try saying, "I made a mistake, but that doesn't make me a failure. I am still worthy of love and respect.". Take the time to acknowledge the work you are doing ( for example, thinking to yourself, “It is great that I am sticking with therapy” rather than “why aren’t I better already! There  MUST be something wrong with me.”

Negative self-talk is the enemy of self-compassion. Negative self-talk is a common habit that can significantly impact our mental health and well-being. It is the inner dialogue we have with ourselves where we engage in negative and critical thinking. This can lead to feelings of anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and even physical health problems. Negative self-talk is the voice in our head that tells us we are not good enough, will fail, or are not worthy of love and respect. Unfortunately, the critical inner dialogue often happens automatically, without us even realizing it. Negative self-talk can take many forms, including:

•     Self-criticism: We may be overly critical of ourselves, focusing on our flaws and mistakes and ignoring our strengths and accomplishments.

•     Catastrophizing: We may imagine the worst-case scenario in every situation, assuming that things will always go wrong.

•     Comparing ourselves to others: We may constantly compare ourselves to others, feeling inferior or inadequate.

•     Personalizing: We may blame ourselves for everything that goes wrong, even if it is not our fault.

Why does negative self-talk happen? Negative self-talk can be a learned behavior picked up from our upbringing, culture, or past experiences. For example, if we grew up in an environment where criticism was the norm, we may have learned to be overly critical of ourselves. Similarly, if we have experienced past failures or rejections, we may be more prone to catastrophizing and assuming the worst. Negative self-talk can also be triggered by stress and anxiety. When we are under pressure, our thoughts can become more negative and self-critical, leading to a cycle of negative thinking and emotional distress.:

1.   Become aware of your thoughts: The first step in overcoming negative self-talk is to know when it is happening. Try to notice your negative thoughts throughout the day and write them down. Also, note what is physiologically happening to you. For example, whenever I am on my way to a presentation at work, I start to get shallow breathing, tightness in my chest, and negative self-talk. This is a signal to me that I need to practice self-compassion in preparation ahead of a work presentation. Once we start tracking the triggers and the frequency, we can plan to address them. Like any other trigger, it is essential to tackle them when they are baby-size and not wait until they are fully grown.

2.   Challenge your thoughts: Once you have identified your negative thoughts, challenge them by asking yourself if they are true. For example, if you think, "I always mess things up," ask yourself if that is true, and try to come up with evidence to the contrary. Ask yourself essential questions and be honest with the answers.

3.   Surround yourself with positivity: Surround yourself with positive people and uplifting messages. Read positive affirmations, listen to motivational speeches, and spend time with people who uplift and inspire you.

Negative self-talk can significantly impact our mental health and well-being, but it is possible to overcome it with practice and persistence. By becoming aware of our thoughts, challenging them, and reframing them more positively and compassionately, we can break the cycle of negative self-talk and cultivate greater self-esteem and self-confidence.

Hopefully, this article helped you examine self-compassion and the need to incorporate the healthy practice into everyday life. This is a muscle that needs cultivating, just like any physical one. So please take 10 minutes daily to practice the above; you are worth it.